How to master the art of receiving

I have always enjoyed talking openly about sex and sexuality. For many of us, the subject is still taboo, but we need to discuss it to have a healthy sex life and for overall well-being. Lack of communication between couples causes many issues and even break ups.

Some years ago, when I lived in LA and worked as a matchmaker, I began having conversations about sex, life, and desire with men and women on daily basis. When I heard women in their late 40s to mid 50s saying that they had never masturbated before, I was shocked. The reasons were varied: shame, guilt, prejudice, or feeling that they didn’t deserve the pleasure of an orgasm. Many women also complained about how bad their lovers were and how they didn’t enjoy sex. Their complaints raised a question for me—what would happen if they focused on their own ability to receive pleasure, rather than a partner’s failure to give pleasure? 

When you have sex, do you allow yourself to be in the moment and enjoy the pleasure someone is offering? Is your heart and mind open for receiving or are you already distancing yourself by judging and evaluating?

Being able to receive pleasure is a crucial component of sexual satisfaction for both, men and women. 


Play with yourself and learn what you like.

If you don’t know what you like, how your body reacts to touch, and how you like to reach orgasm, it will be challenging to explain this to your sexual partner. There is nothing wrong with masturbation—reaching orgasm on your own, at any time that is convenient for you is great! Masturbation can boost your mood, and help you learn about your body in ways that you can share with your lover.  There is no reason that your lover cannot be the best lover under the stars, for you.  Masturbation can also be a way that you show love to yourself.  It can be a time to practice acceptance of your body and desires. 


Relax and take the pleasure you’re given.

Not only giving, but also receiving pleasure from your partner is an art.  Many people struggle with this. The reasons for being a poor receiver are different.  You might be lacking self-esteem, or constantly have the need to control.

To relax while your partner is pleasuring you, you’ll need to abandon your desire to control the act and the situation.  Allow yourself the freedom to enjoy someone else’s attention.  Some people feel selfish when they give up an active role, but your lover will probably appreciate the opportunity to give more than you realize. If you do start to feel guilty about being the receiver, instead of jumping up to take over the active role, remember that you can take turns giving and receiving.  Some Tantra classes teach you to become comfortable with both roles, so that eventually it is less of a planned activity (“Ok, my turn”) and more of a spontaneous dance.  I don’t worry about being the one to be pleased, although I know that many people do.  I think to myself, “ladies first!”  If my partner is struggling to make me feel good, instead of letting him off the hook, I remind myself that he will be paid back by having sex with me, and that’s how he is pleasured the most.  But before that, there is nothing wrong with making sure that I am equally attended to. 

If you don’t feel sexy, and you need a little boost, remember that men have a wider view of what is attractive than we give them credit for.  Do not look at social media, the pictures there are not real and only drive one crazy.  We can’t always be comparing ourselves to others instead of focusing on what makes us unique.  Think about what you have to offer to your partner and this world. You might be caring, smart, organized.  You might be quirky or funny.  There are many positive things you have to share and that your partner absolutely loves about you.  Positive affirmations are a wonderful addition to your morning routine.  As you look in the mirror, focus on what you have rather than what you don’t.  Sometimes, asking your partner what turns them on in the moment can give insight into how their mind is working.  There must be a reason that they are in bed with you! 


What if your partner can’t receive pleasure and you want to please him/her?

You know the moment when you are in the mood to please your partner, and he/she just can’t relax, tries to move or pleasure you at the same time. You just want to show them how great it is to lay back and enjoy.  Just tell them, how much you would love to see them melting in your arms, under your tongue, and that you would like them to not move and only focus on the pleasure you are giving them. They need to feel every touch from you and focus only on that without trying to please you in return. Make them also secure about that you love to do that and it’s your pleasure also and they don’t need to worry.  (and maybe, that you’re happy to take turns another time). 


Communicate with each other. 

Obviously, it’s hard to lay back and enjoy if your partner isn’t doing the things that turn you on!  This is where communication can enhance your sex life.  Try asking your partner if it is ok to give directions, or to show them how you like to be touched.  Compliments work wonders:  I really appreciate that you are taking charge now, I love just enjoying the pleasure you’re giving me, I love what you were just doing a moment ago, etc.

And if you are the one taking the active role, pay attention to the feedback that you’re getting from your partner, whether verbal or nonverbal.