Sex Toys and Shame

One of the most common questions I get from men and women in my coaching sessions is about how to bring desire back to the bedroom when it has faded or how to extend the quality of sex life in a new, young relationship. It seems that we all dream about experiencing passionate desire with our loved one forever. When the intensity wanes or the newness is gone, we wish to feel that same sexual craving again.


I believe it’s possible!  In a few of my blog posts, I’ll look into some options in detail.  This article will focus on sex toys. 


Many times, people ask me if it’s safe to use sex toys, if they help with the longevity of desire.

A thousand different people, a thousand different tastes, but one thing I know for sure is that we should say YES to SEX TOYS!


Sex toys have many advantages. There are many options on the market, allowing you to experience new sensations and to refresh your sex life and bedroom routine. Sex toys that can lead to orgasm can be used for release if you are alone.  With a partner, sex toys can have many positive physiological advantages such as intensifying your orgasm and overall sexual experience, or helping you discover new ways to provide each other with pleasure. 


There are different kinds of sex toys, yet the two most common ones are dildos that are made to be insert and vibrators that are mostly made for an external clitoral use


What are the benefits of sex toys? 


Both men and women can learn about their bodies with sex toys.  Many women grew up being told that we should save ourselves for the right man, that we should be good little girls, and we carry this attitude with us as we grow older. We spend the prime of our sexual lives wasting potential to discover what we like. This applies to men as well. Men grow up being told that masturbation is a sign of shame. The prostate is a source of pleasure for many men, but most fear prostate stimulation because they feel like it’s not manly. Sex toys can help us learn where we are most sensitive, how much stimulation is enough and how much is too much, and what we might like to try with a partner.


Sex toys can help us please a partner if we are unable to perform like usual due to physical conditions that arise at certain times in our lives.  Sex toys can also help us please a partner during regular times, as when a man wears a vibrating ring while having sex with a woman who enjoys that sensation. 



How often is it safe to use sex toys?


As much as you please, as long as you are using them safely. There is truly no limitation to pleasure you can experience. I don’t see many negative side effect of sex toys, besides perhaps desensitization of your clitoris.

It’s a tingling feeling you might experience after you are using vibrator on your clit for some “many” times a day or you use it on a higher setting. You might not be able to reach an orgasm fast as usual until your clit gets back to normal. It also all depends on the toys you’re using. There are some toys that are hardcore and desensitize you faster than the other once are gentler.


What if I’m nervous about purchasing a sex toy? 


The idea of walking into a sex shop seems like a novelty at best, a shameful journey at worst. Why is this? Society has had a stigma against sex toys for quite some time. American society is a bit of a paradox when it comes to sex. We sexualize everything, and yet talking about sex on a personal level is almost taboo. For a long time, sex toys were written off as a joke item; they were something you’d give to a friend as a gag gift, and they were associated with loneliness. A woman who used a dildo was seen as someone who’d rather have a plastic penis than a man. Men also face stigma. If a guy owns a “fleshlight,” he is seen as a creepy virgin.  For couples, needing a sex toy could be taken as a sign that the relationship is failing or you’re lacking in sexual skills to please each other.


But if you look at sex toys as a way to experiment when you’re single, and enhance the mood and sensations when you’re with a partner, sex becomes playtime!  Playtime just isn’t as fun without toys, is it? You can have fun with just the two of you, but adding a toy to the mix can improve the experience tenfold, and both young and old couples can enjoy sex toys.  


Yet there are still those who are afraid of stepping foot in a sex shop. Maybe they think the person behind the counter is going to judge them based on what sex toy they buy. (In reality, you’re just one customer out of many, and that retail worker doesn’t have time to judge you. And they’ve probably seen a customer who bought a butt plug the size of a stool! You’re fine.) Some people are afraid they’ll bump into someone they know there. Well, if that’s the case, you have a friend you can talk about sex with.


If you’re that afraid to enter a sex shop, or there aren’t any good ones locally, you can always order online. Sex toys tend to arrive in discreet packaging, and the charge on your bank account will be discreet, too. You can tend to find sex toys for much cheaper online than in a store, too. It doesn’t have to be on a shady online store, either. Amazon has plenty of sex toys, and if you have Amazon Prime, you can get delivered right to your home quickly. In my next blog post I will describe some of my favorite sex toys and vibrators in a greater detail.